Mulla JoX - Part II

101.Mulla Nasrudin and his wife were talking about a neighbour."I have never heard a man talk so fast in all my life," said the wife."THAT ' S NOT SURPRISING, " said Nasrudin. "HIS FATHER WAS A POLITICIAN AND HIS MOTHER WAS A WOMAN. "

102.The doctor was giving some bad news to Mulla Nasrudin about his wife. "This is a serious case," the doctor said. "I hate to tell you, but your wife's mind is gone, completely gone.""WELL, I AM NOT SURPRISED," said Nasrudin. "SHE HAS BEEN GIVING ME A LITTLE PIECE OF IT EVERYDAY FOR FIFTEEN YEARS."

103.Invited to stop for a drink with his friends following the lodge meeting, Mulla Nasrudin said he had to hurry home. "I can't stop," he said, "I have got to go home and explain to my wife.""Explain what?" one of his friends asked."I DON'T KNOW," said Nasrudin, "I AM NOT HOME YET."

104.Mulla Nasrudin fainted on the street and a crowd quickly gathered."Give him air!" shouted a man. "Clear the way. Hurry up someone, get him a drink!"Nasrudin's eyes fluttered open and he gasped, "PLEASE, MAKE IT A DOUBLE MARTINI."

105.Mulla Nasrudin was talking with his neighbour over the back fence."Was not that something," said the neighbour, "the way Lucy's stove exploded last night? The explosion blew her and her husband right out of the front door into the street! ""YES, " said the Mulla. "THAT'S THE FIRST TIME THEY HAVE GONE OUT TOGETHER IN THIRTY YEARS."

106.Mulla Nasrudin and one of his friends were walking past the high board fence that surrounded a nudist colony. Nasrudin spotted a knothole and peeked in. "Hey," he shouted to his companion, "there's a lot of people in there.""Men or women?" asked the friend."I CAN'T TELL," said Nasrudin. "THEY DON'T HAVE ANY CLOTHES ON."

107.Mulla Nasrudin's wife was sitting down to breakfast one morning when she read an announcement of her own death in the newspaper. She quickly called Mulla Nasrudin who was outside the town and said:"Have you read the morning paper, Mulla? And, did you see the announcement of my death?""YES," said Nasrudin. "WHERE ARE YOU CALLING FROM?"

108.Mulla Nasrudin had been to the state legislature. After he had spent thirty days with his fellow legislators at the state capital, he came home for a weekend.In telling his wife about it, he said: "I HAVE DISCOVERED ONE THING -- IT'S THE FIRST INSANE ASYLUM I HAVE EVER SEEN THAT'S RUN BY THE INMATES."

109.Mulla Nasrudin was milking a cow, when suddenly a bull tore across the meadow toward him. The Mulla didn't move, but kept on milking. Several men, who were watching from the next field, were surprised when the bull stopped dead within a few yards of the Mulla. He then turned around and walked away."Were you not afraid, Mulla?" asked the men."OF COURSE NOT," replied Nasrudin. "THIS COW IS HIS MOTHER-IN-LAW."

110.Mulla Nasrudin was watching the youngsters put on their horse show. He said to a bystander, "It's terrible the way they dress today. Just look at that young boy with the cigarette, sloppy haircut, and tight breeches.""That is not a boy," said the other. "It's a girl and she's my daughter.""Oh, excuse me, Sir," said the Mulla. "I meant no offence. I didn't know you were her father.""I AM NOT," said the other. "I AM HER MOTHER."

111.A preacher was being entertained at dinner and the other guests were praising his sermon. One of them turned to Mulla Nasrudin, who was at the talk, but had remained silent, and asked, "Mulla, what did you think of the sermon?""OH, IT WAS ALL RIGHT," said Nasrudin, "ONLY HE PASSED UP THREE REAL GOOD PLACES WHERE HE COULD HAVE STOPPED."

112.Mulla Nasrudin's wife complained bitterly to the Mulla. "I am absolutely ashamed of the way we live. Mother pays our rent. My aunt buys our clothes. My sister sends us money for food. I don't like to complain, but I am ashamed that we cannot do better than that.""YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED," said Nasrudin. "YOU HAVE GOT TWO UNCLES THAT DON'T SEND US A DIME."

113.A man in the upstairs apartment yelled to Mulla Nasrudin downstairs, "If you don't stop playing that clarinet, I will go crazy.""TOO LATE NOW," said Nasrudin. "I STOPPED AN HOUR AGO, SIR."

114.The preacher was visiting Mulla Nasrudin in the hospital, who had been injured in a fight. "I am going to pray so you will forgive your enemy for hitting you with a brick," the preacher said."IT MIGHT BE BETTER," said Nasrudin, "IF YOU WAITED UNTIL I GET OUT OF HERE AND THEN PRAY FOR THE OTHER FELLOW, SIR."

115.The wife of Mulla Nasrudin had received a beautiful skunk coat for her birthday a gift from her husband."Why," she said with excitement,"I just can't understand how a beautiful coat like that could possibly come from such a miserable evil-smelling little beast.""WELL," said Nasrudin, "I DID NOT EXACTLY EXPECT ANY GRATITUDE FROM YOU, BUT I DO THINK I DESERVE A LITTLE BIT MORE RESPECT."

116.A vacuum cleaner salesman rang the doorbell of Mulla Nasrudin's house and was admitted by a woman, who immediately left the room. After talking a bit to the Mulla who was in the room, the salesman said, "Was that your wife, Sir, who let me in?""CERTAINLY. DO YOU THINK I WOULD HIRE A MAID AS HOMELY AS THAT?" asked Nasrudin.

117.The drunk Mulla Nasrudin approached the policeman on the corner and said, "Pardon me, Officer, but where am I?""You are on the corner of Main and Forth," the policeman said."NEVER MIND THE DETAILS," said Nasrudin. "WHAT TOWN AM I IN?"

118."Everybody has something to be thankful for," the minister said to Mulla Nasrudin, who was sitting in his office telling a tale of woe. "Look at the man across the street from you who just lost his wife in an automobile accident.""YES," said Nasrudin, "BUT EVERYBODY CAN'T BE THAT LUCKY, SIR."

119."This is a lesson in logic," said the old professor in the teahouse. "If the show starts at nine and dinner is at six and my son has the measles, and brother drives a Cadillac, how old am I?""You are eighty-four," replied Mulla Nasrudin promptly."Right," said the professor. "Now tell the rest of the fellows here how you arrived at the correct answer.""IT'S EASY," said Nasrudin. "I HAVE GOT AN UNCLE WHO IS FORTY-TWO AND HE IS ONLY HALF NUTS, SIR."

120.Mulla Nasrudin's son, home from college, was talking to his father about the "Law of Compensation," which he had studied. "If a person loses one eye," he explained, "the sight in the other becomes stronger. If he loses the hearing in one ear, the hearing in the other becomes more acute. If he loses one hand, he becomes more agile with the other.""I GUESS THAT'S RIGHT," said Nasrudin. "I HAVE ALWAYS NOTICED THAT WHEN A MAN HAS ONE SHORT LEG THE OTHER IS LONGER."

121.A college freshman was talking about girls with Mulla Nasrudin. "Which would you advise me to do? Marry a sensible girl or a beautiful girl, Mulla?" he asked."I don't think you will be able to marry either," said the Mulla."Why not?" asked the freshman."IT'S LOGICAL," said Nasrudin. "A BEAUTIFUL GIRL COULD DO BETTER AND A SENSIBLE! GIRL WOULD KNOW BETTER."

122."What are you doing hiding under the bed?" asked Mulla Nasrudin's wife."It's all lightening and thunder," said the Mulla. "And I don't want to get struck by lightening."Oh, that's silly," said his wife. "If lightening is going to strike you, it will strike you no matter where you are.""THAT'S ALL RIGHT," said Nasrudin. "BUT, IF IT IS GOING TO STRIKE ME, I JUST WANT TO BE HARD TO FIND."

123.Mulla Nasrudin and one of his friends were sitting under the bridge listening to the holiday traffic passing overhead. "I hate holidays," said the friend."YES, " said Nasrudin, "IT MAKES YOU FEEL RIGHT COMMON WHEN NOBODY AIN'T WORKING. "

124."This book," said the salesman, "will do half your work.""FINE," said Mulla Nasrudin. "I WILL TAKE TWO OF THEM."

125.Mulla Nasrudin used to say:"IF YOU WANT YOUR WIFE TO PAY CLOSE ATTENTION TO WHAT YOU ARE SAYING, WHISPER IT TO ANOTHER WOMAN IN A LOW VOICE."

126.New neighbours had moved in and had been under observation for several days."They seem like a most devoted couple," said Mulla Nasrudin's wife to her husband. "Every time he leaves for work she comes out on the porch and he hugs and kisses her. Why don't you do that?""ME?" said Nasrudin. "I SHOULD SAY NOT. I HAVE NOT EVEN BEEN INTRODUCED TO HER YET."

127.A policeman stopped drunk Mulla Nasrudin and said to him, "Do you know who I am?""I CAN'T SAY THAT I DO," said Nasrudin, "BUT IF YOU WILL TELL ME WHERE YOU LIVE, I WILL HELP YOU HOME."

128.The young man had kissed his girlfriend, Mulla Nasrudin's daughter, goodnight about a dozen times. They just could not seem to say goodnight. Finally he said, "Love is wonderful. Darling, do we really have to say goodnight?"Mulla Nasrudin's voice came from deep within the house, "CERTAINLY NOT. STICK AROUND ANOTHER HALF HOUR AND YOU CAN SAY GOOD MORNING."

129.The two burglars worked as a team. One stayed outside as a lookout, while the other robbed the house. One night, when the inside man returned, his buddy said, "How much did you get?""Nothing," the other said. "This is the house of Mulla Nasrudin.""GEE!" said his buddy. "THEN HOW MUCH DID YOU LOSE?"

130.It seemed that every time Mulla Nasrudin met his lawyer, he had some added legal fees. It worried the Mulla to the point of ulcers. Then one day, he met his lawyer in the post office and said, "NICE DAY, ISN'T IT? AND REMEMBER, I AM TELLING YOU, NOT ASKING YOU, SIR."

131."You ought to stand on your two feet and show your wife who is running things at your house," a big, bossy fellow said to his friend, Mulla Nasrudin."THERE IS NO NEED TO," said Nasrudin, "SHE ALREADY KNOWS."

132.The stranger was talking in the tavern."For fifteen years," he said, "my habits were as regular as clockwork. I rose exactly at six. Half an hour later I was at breakfast. At seven I was at work. I had lunch at one, and supper at six, and was in bed at nine-thirty. I ate only plain food, and didn't have a day of sickness during all those years.""MY," said Mulla Nasrudin who was listening to the story, "AND WHAT WERE YOU IN JAIL FOR?"

133.Mulla Nasrudin had been arrested for stealing a hog. The trial was short and sweet. There was no concrete evidence against the Mulla and the judge dismissed the case against him. But for some reason the Mulla seemed not to understand."The case is dismissed," the judge said, "It is over. You are acquitted. You can go.""WELL, THANKS, JUDGE," said Nasrudin. "BUT DO I HAVE TO GIVE HIM BACK HIS HOG?"

134.Mulla Nasrudin kept begging the noted pianist to play."Well, all right, since you insist," he said. "What shall I play?""ANYTHING YOU LIKE," said Nasrudin. "IT'S ONLY TO ANNOY THE NEIGHBOURS."

135.Mulla Nasrudin's wife used to give the Mulla a regular inspection every night when he came home. Every hair she discovered on his coat would be cause for a terrible scene.One evening, when she didn't find a single hair, she screamed at him, "NOW YOU ARE EVEN RUNNING AFTER BALD-HEADED WOMEN."

136.Mulla Nasrudin was introduced as the man who had just made $800,000 in an oil deal in Oklahoma.In response, the Mulla said, "IT WAS NOT AN OIL DEAL, IT WAS A REAL ESTATE DEAL. IT WAS NOT IN OKLAHOMA, BUT IN VIRGINIA. I AM SORRY, BUT THE MAN HAD HIS FIGURES MIXED UP. IT WAS NOT $800,000, BUT $800. AND BESIDES THAT, IT WAS NOT A PROFIT, BUT A LOSS. AND, IN THE END, IF YOU DON'T MIND, LET ME TELL YOU, THAT I AM NOT THE MAN CONCERNED, SIR."

137.Mulla Nasrudin, the landlord of a rather rundown rooming house, had led a prospective tenant to a third-floor room with badly spotted wall paper.Nasrudin: "The last man who lived in this room was an inventor he invented some sort of explosive."Prospect: "Oh, these spots on the walls are chemicals?"Nasrudin: "NO, THE INVENTOR."

138.Mulla Nasrudin was called in the election bribery case."You say," asked the judge, "that you were given $10 to vote for the Democrats, and you got another $10 to vote for the republicans?""Yes, Sir, Your Honour," said the Mulla."And how did you vote?" asked the judge."YOUR HONOUR," said Nasrudin, "I VOTED ACCORDING TO MY CONSCIENCE."

139.Mulla Nasrudin's wife was upset and was confiding in her maid. "Do you know," she said, "I suspect my husband is having an affair with the cook.""OH," cried the maid. "YOU CAN'T BELIEVE THAT. YOU ARE JUST SAYING THAT TO MAKE ME JEALOUS."

140."You sure do look downhearted, Mulla? What's the matter?" asked a friend."It's my future that worries me," said Nasrudin."What makes your future so black?" the friend asked."MY PAST," replied Nasrudin.

141.A friend was visiting Mulla Nasrudin. "My boy has just written me from jail," he said. "He says they're going to cut six months off his sentence for good behaviour.""MY," said Mulla Nasrudin. "YOU MUST BE PROUD TO HAVE A SON LIKE THAT."

142.Mulla Nasrudin walked into a psychiatrist's office, opened a tobacco pouch, and stuffed his nose with tobacco."Man, I can see that you need me," the psychiatrist said. "Come on in and tell me your problem.""MY ONLY PROBLEM IS," said Nasrudin, "I NEED A LIGHT."

143.Mulla Nasrudin climbed into a barber's chair and asked, "Where's the barber who used to work on the next chair?""Oh, that was a sad case," the barber said. "He became so nervous and despondent over poor business, that one day when a customer said he didn't want a massage, he went out of his mind and cut the customer's throat with a razor. He is now in the state mental hospital. By the way, would you like a massage, Sir?""ABSOLUTELY!" said Mulla Nasrudin.

144.Mulla Nasrudin told his psychiatrist that he had the same nightmare over and over again, night after night."And what do you dream about?" asked the doctor."I dream that I am married," said the Mulla."And to whom are you married in this dream?" the doctor wanted to know."TO MY WIFE," said Nasrudin. "THAT'S WHAT MAKES IT A NIGHTMARE, SIR."

145.Mulla Nasrudin was on his first ocean voyage and was deathly ill. Trying to comfort him, the steward said, "Don't be so down-hearted, Sir, I have never heard of anyone dying of sea-sickness.""OH, DON'T TELL ME THAT," moaned Nasrudin. "IT HAS ONLY BEEN THE HOPE OF DYING THAT HAS KEPT ME ALIVE."

146.Mulla Nasrudin and one of his friends were thinking one day to join the army."What makes you think to join the army?" asked the Mulla."Well, I don't have a wife and I love war," said the friend. "And why you are thinking to join it?""ME?" said Nasrudin. "I HAVE A WIFE AND I LOVE PEACE."

147.Late one night a psychiatrist found himself staring into the muzzle of a large pistol. He was shocked to recognize the gunman who was holding him up."See here, Nasrudin," he said. "Don't you remember me? I am your benefactor. Don't you remember the time I saved you from the electric chair by proving you were crazy?"Mulla Nasrudin laughed and laughed and laughed. "SURE I REMEMBER YOU, SIR. BUT, AIN'T ROBBING YOUR BENEFACTOR A CRAZY THING TO DO?"

148."Young man," said the angry father, Mulla Nasrudin, "didn't I hear the clock strike four when you brought my daughter home?""Yes, Sir," said the boy. "It was going to strike ten, but I grabbed the gong and held it so it wouldn't disturb you.""I WILL BE A SO-AND-SO," said Nasrudin. "WHY DIDN'T I THINK OF THAT IN MY YOUNGER DAYS?"

149.Mulla Nasrudin was coming to after a serious operation. He was just conscious enough to feel the softness of the comfortable bed and the warmth of gentle hands on his forehead."Where am I?" he asked. "In Heaven?""NO," said his wife, "I AM STILL RIGHT HERE WITH YOU."

150.A man was chatting to Mulla Nasrudin who was a rabid fisherman."I notice," he said, "that when you tell about the fish you caught you vary the size of it for different listeners.""YES," replied Nasrudin, "I NEVER TELL A MAN MORE THAN I THINK HE WILL BELIEVE."

151.Mulla Nasrudin was being selected as a juror in a murder trial. The attorney for the defense was challenging prospective jurors. He questioned Mulla Nasrudin, "Are you married or single?""Married for ten years," said the Mulla."Have you formed or expressed an opinion?" asked the attorney."NOT FOR TEN YEARS," replied Nasrudin.

152.Mulla Nasrudin was visiting his psychiatrist. Among the many questions the doctor asked was: "Are you bothered by improper thoughts?""NOT AT ALL," said Nasrudin. "THE TRUTH IS I RATHER ENJOY THEM."

153."Why don't you stop picking on me?" said Mulla Nasrudin to his wife. "I am trying to do everything possible to make you happy.""There's one thing you haven't done that my first husband did to make me happy," she said."What's that?" asked the Mulla."HE DROPPED DEAD," she said.

154.The young daughter of Mulla Nasrudin heard a tapping on her window in the early hours of the morning. There on a ladder was her boyfriend. Their elopement was going according to plan."Are you all ready?" her boyfriend asked."Yes," whispered the girl, "but don't talk so loud, you might wake up my father.""WAKE HIM UP?" her boyfriend asked. "WHO DO YOU THINK IS HOLDING THE LADDER?"

155."Why are you so down in the mouth, Mulla?" asked someone in the tavern."Aw," said Mulla Nasrudin, "I just heard a guy call another fellow a liar. And that fellow said that if he didn't apologize, he would whip him.""Well, why should that make you so sad?" asked the first."BECAUSE," said Nasrudin, "THE GUY APOLOGIZED."

156.It was the 'better part of town' and the lady who came to the door said to Mulla Nasrudin: "I should think you would be ashamed to beg in this neighborhood.""DON'T APOLOGIZE FOR IT, LADY," said Nasrudin, "I HAVE SEEN WORSE."

157."It certainly is hard," said the sad individual "to love one's relatives.""HARD? " said Nasrudin. "HARD? IT IS PRACTICALLY IMPOSSIBLE!"

158.The editor of the local newspaper was beside himself. He said to Mulla Nasrudin in the teahouse: "What are we going to do for our front page tonight? Nothing scandalous has happened in town for almost twenty-four hours!""TAKE IT EASY " said Nasrudin. "SOMETHING WILL HAPPEN. YOU SHOULDN'T LOSE FAITH IN HUMAN NATURE, SIR."

159."This sure is a lousy party," a guest at a cocktail party said to Mulla Nasrudin, who was next to him. "I am going to finish this one and then get out of here.""I WOULD TOO," said Nasrudin, "BUT I HAVE GOT TO STAY. I AM THE HOST."

160.A guest at a concert turned to Mulla Nasrudin sitting next to him and criticised the voice of the woman who was singing."What a terrible voice," he said. "Do you know who she is?""Yes," said the Mulla. "She's my wife.""Oh," said the embarrassed guest, "I beg your pardon. Of course, it is not her voice that is bad, it is that awful song she has to sing. I wonder who wrote it.""I DID," said Nasrudin.

161.A drunk cowhand rushed into a bar waving and firing his guns at random and shouting, "All you dirty, lousy skunks get outta here."Within a minute everybody had scattered and disappeared except Mulla Nasrudin, who sat at the bar finishing his drink."Well," barked the cowhand, waving his smoking gun. "What about it?""My," said the Mulla, "THERE WERE CERTAINLY A LOT OF THEM, WEREN'T THEY?"

162.Mulla Nasrudin always said: "Oh, well, it might have been worse."One day an acquaintance stopped him and said, "I dreamed last night that I died, went to hell, and was doomed to everlasting torment.""Oh, well," said Nasrudin, "it might have been worse.""What do you mean, Mulla!" cried the man. "How could it have been worse?""IT MIGHT HAVE BEEN TRUE," said Nasrudin.

163."You have got to have more recreation and relaxation," said Mulla Nasrudin to the overworked friend."But I am too busy," said the friend."THAT'S SILLY," replied Nasrudin. "ANTS HAVE THE GREATEST REPUTATION FOR BEING BUSY ALL THE TIME, YET THEY NEVER MISS AN OPPORTUNITY TO ATTEND A PICNIC."

164.Mulla Nasrudin was visited by a boyhood friend whom he had not seen for years. The man told him a long story of misfortune: bankruptcy, death of wife and children, personal illness. He ended by asking for a loan.The Mulla called his son and a big, athletic-type walked in. "TOMMY," said Nasrudin, "THROW THIS POOR FELLOW DOWNSTAIRS; HE IS BREAKING MY HEART."

165.Mulla Nasrudin had just returned a sheaf of poems to the budding young poet."Do you think it would help if I put more fire into my poetry, Sir?" the young man asked Nasrudin."NO," said the Mulla. "I WOULD RECOMMEND THE REVERSE."

166.Mulla Nasrudin finally bought a parrot at an auction after some rather spirited bidding."I assume the bird talks," he said to the auctioneer."TALKS?" the auctioneer said. "WHO DO YOU THINK HAS BEEN BIDDING AGAINST YOU FOR THE PAST HALF HOUR?"

167.Mulla Nasrudin, carrying a chair, walked up to the owner of a secondhand store and asked how much it was worth."Three dollars," said the secondhand dealer.The Mulla seemed surprised. "Isn't it worth more than that?" he said."Three dollars is the limit," the owner said. "See that? Where the leg is split? And look here where the paint is peeling.""OKAY THEN," said Nasrudin. "I SAW IT IN FRONT OF YOUR STORE MARKED $10, BUT I THOUGHT THERE MUST BE A MISTAKE. FOR $3 I WILL TAKE IT."

168.The editor tried hard to read Mulla Nasrudin's handwriting. "Mulla, this handwriting is so bad I can hardly read it," he said. "Why didn't you type out these poems before you brought them in?""TYPE THEM!" cried Nasrudin. "DO YOU THINK FOR A MOMENT THAT IF I COULD TYPE, I WOULD BE WASTING MY TIME TRYING TO WRITE POETRY?"

169.Mulla Nasrudin's son, studying political science, asked his father, "Dad, what's a traitor in politics?""Any man who leaves our party," said the Mulla, "and goes over to the other one is a traitor.""Well, what about a man who leaves his party and comes over to your's?" asked the young man."HE'D BE A CONVERT, SON," said Nasrudin, "A REAL CONVERT."

170.Mulla Nasrudin was obviously envious of the rich man who had just given him a dollar."You have no reason to envy me," said the rich man, "even if I do look prosperous. I have my troubles, too, you know.""YOU HAVE PROBABLY GOT PLENTY OF TROUBLES," said Nasrudin, "BUT THE DIFFERENCE IS, I AIN'T GOT NOTHING ELSE, SIR."

171."I am going to get a divorce," a friend told Mulla Nasrudin. "My wife has not spoken to me in three months.""I'D THINK TWICE IF I WERE YOU," said the Mulla. "WIVES LIKE THAT ARE HARD TO FIND."

172.Mulla Nasrudin was telling a friend his future through palmistry. He said, "You will be poor and unhappy and miserable until you are sixty.""Then what?" asked the man hopefully."BY THAT TIME," said Nasrudin, "YOU WILL BE USED TO IT."

173.Mulla Nasrudin was sitting on his cot in a flophouse."You know," he said to the fellow on the next cot, "when I was seventeen years old, I made up my mind that nothing was going to stop me from getting rich.""Well, how came you never got rich?" his friend asked."OH," said Nasrudin, "BY THE TIME I WAS NINETEEN, I REALIZED IT WOULD BE EASIER TO CHANGE MY MIND."

174."My wife used to play the piano," a friend told Mulla Nasrudin, "but since the children came, she has not had time to touch it.""CHILDREN SOMETIMES ARE A COMFORT, ARE THEY NOT?" said Nasrudin.

175.The situation was desperate. Mulla Nasrudin had been bitten by a rabid dog and the doctors were not certain that he had begun treatment in time to save him.After a consultation on the matter, they came into the room and told him the plain truth -- that he might develop hydrophobia -- that his chances were pretty bad.Instead of seeming to be upset at the news, Mulla Nasrudin asked for a pen and paper and began to write at great length. After an hour of steady writing, his nurse said to him, "What are you writing, Mulla? Is it your will or a letter to your family?""NO," said Nasrudin, "IT'S A LIST OF PEOPLE I AM GOING TO BITE."

176.Mulla Nasrudin and his young son were driving in the country one winter. It was snowing. Their bullock-cart broke down. They finally reached a farmhouse and were welcomed for the night. The house was cold, and the attic in which they were invited to spend the night was like an icebox.Stripping to his underwear, the Mulla jumped into a featherbed and pulled the blankets over his head.The young man was slightly embarrassed. "Excuse me, Dad," he said, "don't you think we ought to say our prayers before going to bed?"The Mulla stuck one eye out from under the covers. "SON," he said, "I KEEP PRAYED UP AHEAD FOR SITUATIONS JUST LIKE THIS ONE."

177.Mulla Nasrudin's wife was giving her daughter a few interesting facts about married life. "I hope," she told the young girl, "that your lot in life is going to be easier than mine was. For the fifty-five years I have been married, I have carried two heavy burdens, your father and the fire. EVERY TIME I HAVE TURNED AROUND TO LOOK AFTER ONE OF THEM, THE OTHER HAS GONE OUT."

178.A young lady went to old Mulla Nasrudin for advice. She said to the Mulla: "Should I marry a fellow who lies to me?""YES, UNLESS YOU WANT TO REMAIN UNMARRIED FOREVER," said Nasrudin.

179.Mulla Nasrudin's mule kicked his wife in the head and she died. A huge crowd turned out for the funeral, most of them men. The minister following the ceremonies, said: "This lady must have been very popular. Look at the large number of people who have left their work to come to her funeral.""THEY ARE NOT HERE FOR THE FUNERAL," said Nasrudin. "THEY ARE HERE TO BID ON THE MULE."

180."Stand up," shouted the preacher, "if you want to go to heaven."Everybody stood up but old Mulla Nasrudin."Don't you want to go to heaven, brother?" asked the preacher."YES, SIR," said Nasrudin, "BUT I AIN'T GOING WITH NO EXCURSION."

181.A man went to the funeral of Mulla Nasrudin's wife. In the funeral home, the Mulla was standing at the end of the casket. The man looked at his friend's dead wife and said, "Does she not look wonderful!""WHY NOT? " asked Nasrudin. "SHE WAS IN THE HOSPITAL ALL WINTER! "

182.Mulla Nasrudin was in an accident and sued the insurance company for $1,000 and won his case. When he received his check; he called on his lawyer to settle up."How much do I owe you?" he asked the lawyer."Well," said the lawyer, "I will tell you how it is. Since I am an old friend of your's and your father before you, my fee will be only $900.""I am sure glad," said Nasrudin as he made out his check for $900, "THAT YOU WERE NOT A FRIEND OF MY GRANDFATHER'S TOO."

183.A school teacher wrote a note home to Abdul's mother: "Dear Mrs. Nasrudin, your son, Abdul, is a smart boy, but he spends all of his time with the girls. I am trying to break him of this habit."The teacher received this reply: "I wish you success. Please let me know how you do it. I HAVE BEEN TRYING FOR YEARS TO BREAK HIS FATHER OF THE SAME HABIT."

184.Mulla Nasrudin's wife was in the hospital dying. Just before she passed away, she said to her husband who was sitting by the bedside, "Darling, I have only one regret as I pass on. I hate to leave you behind in all of your loneliness. I just want you to know that if you should ever want to remarry, you have my consent. Only, if you do, I wonder if you would promise me something.""Yes, Darling," said the Mulla.'what is it?""Would you promise not to let your new wife wear my old clothes and remind you of me?" she asked."WHY,CERTAINLY I WILL PROMISE YOU THAT," said Nasrudin. "I WOULDN'T THINK OF DOING SUCH A THING. BESIDES, ALL OF YOUR SUITS ARE TOO SMALL FOR FATIMA ANYWAY."

185.Mulla Nasrudin and his friend, Old Joe, went into a bar and Joe ordered four straight shots in about four minutes. Each time he would gulp it down. After the fourth, and before he could order the fifth, Joe passed out -- plunk, right on the floor. "WELL," said Nasrudin, "ONE THING ABOUT OLD JOE -- HE KNOWS WHEN HE'S HAD ENOUGH."

186.Mulla Nasrudin and his neighbour were talking about the problems of raising their boys."Is your son very ambitious, Mulla?" asked the neighbour."YES," said Nasrudin, "HE HAS SUCH BIG IDEAS ABOUT BEING RICH AND SUCCESSFUL, THAT ALREADY HE'S BEGINNING TO LOOK ON ME AS A SORT OF POOR RELATION."

187.A drunk sat next to old Mulla Nasrudin on a bus. Thinking Mulla Nasrudin to be a preacher from his appearance and trying to start a conversation, he said, "I ain't going to heaven. There ain't no heaven."The Mulla never said a word."I say there ain't no heaven," said the drunk in a loud voice.The Mulla still didn't answer him."I said I ain't going to heaven," shouted the drunk.Mulla Nasrudin quietly turned to the drunk and said, "WELL, GO TO HELL, THEN; BUT BE QUIET ABOUT IT."

188.The old Mulla Nasrudin was complaining to his landlady about the lack of heat in his room."SOMETIMES IT GETS SO COLD AT NIGHT," he said, "THAT I WAKE UP AND HEAR MY TEETH CHATTERING ON THE NIGHT TABLE."

189.Mulla Nasrudin bought one of those new hearing aids that are practically invisible. He was told that he could return it if it didn't prove twice as good as the cumbersome device he had been using.He stopped by a few days later to express his satisfaction with the new device."I will bet your family likes it too," said the clerk."Oh, they don't even know I have got it," said Nasrudin. "AND DO YOU KNOW WHAT? I AM HAVING MORE FUN WITH IT! IN THE PAST TWO DAYS, I HAVE CHANGED MY WILL THREE TIMES."

190."That pain in your leg is caused by old age," the doctor told Mulla Nasrudin."That can't be," replied the Mulla. "THE OTHER LEG IS THE SAME AGE AND DOESN'T HURT A BIT."

191.Mulla Nasrudin's wife woke him up one morning and said, "Honey, wake up. Today is our 42nd wedding anniversary. I think we ought to celebrate. What do you say we kill a chicken?"The Mulla looked at her and said, "WHY IN THE WORLD DO YOU WANT TO PUNISH A POOR CHICKEN FOR SOMETHING THAT HAPPENED 42 YEARS AGO?"

192.Mulla Nasrudin was talking to his lawyer about having his will drawn up.The lawyer asked him: "What's to be different about this will?""OH," said Nasrudin, "I AM LEAVING EVERYTHING TO MY WIFE ON THE CONDITION THAT SHE MARRIES AGAIN. I WANT SOMEBODY TO BE SORRY I DIED."

193.Mulla Nasrudin, celebrating his 95th birthday was asked by a friend:"Don't you hate growing old, Mulla?""HECK, NO,"said Nasrudin. "IF I WASN'T GROWING OLD, I'D BE DEAD."

194.A newspaper reporter was interviewing Mulla Nasrudin on his 99th birthday. As he was shaking hands to leave, he said, "I hope I can come back next year and see you on your 100th birthday.""I DON'T SEE WHY YOU CAN'T," said the old Mulla. "YOU LOOK HEALTHY ENOUGH."

195.The tourist was talking to Mulla Nasrudin who had just celebrated his 100th birthday. "And to what do you owe your great age?" he asked."WELL, I AM NOT SURE YET," said Nasrudin. "I AM DICKERING WITH A COUPLE OF BREAKFAST FOOD COMPANIES, SIR."

196.A newspaper reporter was interviewing Mulla Nasrudin on his 100th birthday."If you had your life to live over," he asked, "do you think you would make the same mistakes again?""CERTAINLY, " said the old Mulla, "BUT I WOULD START A LOT SOONER."

197.Mulla Nasrudin finally reached the age of 105. A newspaper reporter from town came out to take his picture and write a story about him. The reporter was talking to a neighbour about the old man and asked him, "How do you figure your friend was able to live so long?""I GUESS," said the neighbour, "IT WAS BECAUSE HE NEVER DID ANYTHING ELSE."

198.A newspaperman was interviewing Mulla Nasrudin on his 105th birthday. He noticed that the Mulla was wearing a rabbit's foot on his key chain."You don't mean to tell me," said the newspaperman, "that a man of your experience still believes in that old and childish superstition? ""CERTAINLY NOT," said Nasrudin, "BUT MY WIFE: TELLS ME IT IS SUPPOSED TO BRING YOU LUCK WHETHER YOU BELIEVE IN IT OR NOT."

199.Mulla Nasrudin was stabbed by burglars.But before dying he wrote a note to his wife from the hospital.The last paragraph of it read:"I have been very fortunate because only the day before I had put all of my money and negotiable bonds in my safety deposit box at the bank, SO THAT I AM LOSING PRACTICALLY NOTHING BUT MY LIFE."

200.When Mulla Nasrudin died, his wife decided to have him cremated. The attendant at the crematory showed his widow a display of beautifully decorated urns for his ashes.